the tipping point.
I’ll tell you what freedom is to me.
No. Fear.
- Nina Simone
I’m a lover of good music. All genres, too. Music has comforted me during some of my most challenging phases in life. It has served as a pretty dope soundtrack to some amazing experiences and escapades as well. Like most people, when I hear a song I’m immediately transported back to any one of these experiences. The memories come crashing in and nostalgia soothes me.
Gnarls Barkley’s St. Elsewhere is no different. This album came out in 2006; the same year I was expected to graduate from college. I say expected because of course I didn’t walk until 2008, and didn’t actually complete my studies (one damn class) until some years later (we’ll get into it). But, 2006 was an interesting year for me. No doubt, I was coping with the reality that I was nowhere near close to graduating, having wasted a lot of time choosing between changing majors or chasing dreams. I decided I’d take a leave of absence Spring 2007, and when I resumed my studies Fall 2007 I came back with a vengeance. Tunnel vision fueled my final year and a half at Maryland. I was done being okay with hanging in the balance, and finally made a decision to take control of my destiny and charge ahead. And, I did. Out of my entire college career, I achieved my highest grades ever during my last year. I’d always been pretty determined and strong willed, but this was the first time I came face-to-face with my capacity to persevere. Success was my only option, and by all means necessary.
I packed a few of my belongings
Left the life that I was living
Just some memories of it
Mostly the ones I can't forget
Whenever you need me I'll be here
Until then my dear
I'm going, I'm going, going there
Don't ask me to make time
To travel back and forth
Let nature take its course
Maybe I'm open from all this ocean air
Mmm
And if it weren't for you
I'd be without a care
Setting sail to St Elsewhere
But St. Elsewhere. I was 21 at the time of its release. The entire album is pure ministry, but its title track (+ “Crazy” of course) resonated/s with me in a special way. I’m now 35, and my experiences allow me to appreciate the deeper meaning behind the lyrics. I’m convinced the entire album (especially the title track) is an ode to mental health: its discovery, challenges, and recovery (yes, recovery is possible).
It was summer 2018, and yet again I was faced with having to make a decision to take control of my destiny and charge ahead. That’s the beauty of adversity, right? Every past hurdle is a testament of sheer will. A collective of endurance, if you will. At this point, I’d endured a lot. I’d also accomplished a lot despite the setbacks that could have deterred me or halted my pursuits altogether.
I was fresh out of an unhealthy six-month situationship. I’m using the term “situationship” so you already know what’s what. It’s true what they say: hindsight is 20/20. If during those six months, I was the person I am right now, I would have made different decisions. Still, everything happens as it should—and, for that, I’m entirely grateful. When I started working on this book, I was three sessions into therapy and I was steadfast on the road to recovery.
Oddly enough, I was on the verge of experiencing a personal shift right around the time I met Brian. I recall that a week into dating, I had this unsettling feeling. Some might refer to it as “woman’s intuition,” but this was different. It was my spirit. She was telling me to walk away. And I didn’t. At that time, I felt like I didn’t have a reason to completely abandon him. So, I didn’t. And, boy, did I pay for it dearly. I paid a heavy price for not listening to myself, for not trusting myself. In deciding not to abandon Brian, I ended up abandoning myself. Never again.
Anywhere you sit you can see the sun
Unfortunately on this island I'm the only one
Same rules apply on a rainy day
And not such a pretty place to be
It just rains and rains and rains on me
Yeah
Send a simple sign I can understand
Then a flower grew out that sand
Before you know it I was back out on that sea
Now I don't mind it so much because as long
As I'm not there
Anywhere St Elsewhere
Way over yonder there's a new frontier
Would it be so hard for you
To come and visit me here
I understand
Well just send me a message
In a bottle then baby
- St. Elsewhere, Gnarls Barkley
This post is dedicated to those of you who are currently setting sail to, residing at, or finally departing from St. Elsewhere. May God be with you.
May you be with you even more.
- mytenofcups x
